Guest Essay By Elaine Doss
I can see from my own experience where God has been present in my life leading me and blessing me all along the way even though I was not always faithful to Him. He has been there through my mistakes and has blessed me with courage in times of overwhelming fear.
There have been times when I could not see God's way clearly because of blinding stress and questioned "why am I here?" and "why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this."
At
the age of 26, just two years after being married, I found a lump on
my left side. It was soon diagnosed as a rare form of sarcoma and I was
told by some of the best physicians in the world that I had a 20
percent chance of living only two years. Hearing the prognosis sent me
into severe anxiety and depression.
After
two surgeries, I faced 18 months of chemotherapy and six weeks of
intense radiation. Every four weeks I checked into the hospital to
receive chemotherapy over a five-day period. I continued to work and
put one foot in front of the other to just make it through each day. I
faced the harsh reality that I might not live to see 30 years of age.
There
was no one to turn to for hope. Doctors made no promises, my friends
didn't know what to say, and my family was devastated. I felt completely
isolated, alone and scared. I stared death in the face.
I
shook my fist at God and screamed at Him "Why me? What have I done to
deserve this?" All I could think about was dying a painful and slow
death to cancer. I did not know anyone back then who had lived very
long after cancer treatment. I felt there was no one to turn to for
answers or empathy.
I
contemplated ending my life and thought through the ways that I might
do so to avoid the pain of death to cancer. I did not want to go
through chemotherapy and be sick, bald, and pathetic. It was
humiliating and embarrassing. My vanity was getting the best of me.
I
seriously considered suicide for weeks. I was afraid to commit suicide
and afraid to live. After wrestling with the decision for a while, I
decided that I really wanted to live. So I made the choice to try to
find ways to cope with the situation. I poured what little energy I had
into prayer. I was not sure how to approach God in such a confusing
time but I knew that He was all that I had.
Even
in the midst of great emotional pain, I could still sense that losing
all hope and taking my own life would be taking control away from God,
making impossible any plans that He had for me.
In
my heart, I wanted to be God rather than surrender to the unknown,
uncontrollable, possibly pain-filled future. I had yet to learn that I
had to lose my life to save it (Matthew 16:25). I finally had to
relinquish all control to God and let Him rule my heart. God is the
source of life, not me. My life is not my own to take. A reverent fear
of God was growing in my soul.
I
was hospitalized for 5 days each month for chemotherapy because I was
so nauseated that I could not function and I was allergic to most of
the anti-nausea medication. But, I continued to work at my job and made
up the lost time every month.
After
the first chemotherapy treatment, all of my hair fell out and I cried
as my husband shaved my head to remove the last few strands. All vanity
flew out the window. I actually visualized vanity sprouting wings like
a bird and flying out of sight. It was gone forever. I bought a wig
and tolerated the pitiful stares from my co-workers who knew what I was
going through, yet they didn't. Many friends and co-workers did not
know what to say to me, so they just withdrew. I felt very much alone.
The demon of isolation was ever present and my life was plagued with
fear.
One
day as I lay in the hospital bed I decided to make a deal with God. I
told Him that I would do anything He wanted, if he would just let me
live. Just please let me live to see 30. Two years sounded so short, so
I thought I would bargain for at least 4 years and maybe in that time I
could find a purpose for my short life. I did not feel a sense of
peace in bargaining with God because I was taught that we can't make
deals with God. God's will is done sometimes without regard to our
wishes. I was desperate. I had nothing to lose.
At
the bargaining table, though, I humbled myself before God and left all
of my sins lying there. I fervently repented as I had never done
before. I pled for mercy from the depths of my heart, "God just let me
live to see 30 years of age and between now and then, I will do
anything that you ask."
I
believed that Christ paid the complete and full penalty for my sin on
the Cross. His shed blood cleanses me from all my sin.
Looking
back I can see that God knew my heart and knew that it was filled with
humility even in my physical pain. I owe Him my life and He knows that
I know that. He knows that I will try to honor Him, build my faith,
and learn His purpose for me. I learned to live day-to-day,
week-to-week, and month-to-month giving thanks to God that I could live
another day. I found it difficult to attend church because I could not
keep my composure when I felt God's presence.
My
doctors told me they would release me from their care after 10 years.
That was an eternity to me! I just wanted to get past 2 years. I
counted the days. Time passed and the treatment appeared to be
successful but there was always a haunting sense of foreboding in my
life that I now had to deal with.
I
did grow from my own experience. I learned compassion for those who
are going through difficult times. I learned how self-destructive
bitterness is and decided it was not for me. I laid it down forever and
replaced it with compassion for others. Along with bitterness, I laid
down judgementalism and replaced it with empathy. We are all works in
progress.
I
put aside the need to control and replaced it with patience. All
things happen in God's time, not when we want it. When I realized what
it really means for my very existence to be out of my control, I
realized that I had no choice but to be patient.
Fast-forward
6 years. I was just getting comfortable with the idea that I had
defeated cancer and was on the road to a long healthy life, when I
received a call from my gynecologist. My last Pap test was abnormal and
he wanted to address it right away. At the same time, I found out that I
was also pregnant. I now had to face my worst nightmare. I was 10
weeks pregnant and had cancer. My worst fear had been realized.
The
type of cancer that I had is normally treated with a hysterectomy, but
I was pregnant and the choice to continue the pregnancy was up to me.
This was a decision that was NOT all about me. I now had a baby that I
had to make decisions for. I believed that this baby was a gift from
God and I knew that He didn't want me to abort the pregnancy. But would
He spare my life? I didn't know.
I
chose to continue the pregnancy not knowing what the outcome would be
and with every passing day my baby grew and so did my faith.
God was allowing my baby to live and grow normally. What mattered was
that God was with me and He would decide my future. My life or death
was totally out of my control. I prayed to live long enough to raise my
baby to at least the age of 18. Again, praying for my life! I prayed
out of fear more than by faith. But, by living each day drawing closer
and closer to God, He gradually replaced the fear with courage.
My
baby will soon be 21 years old. She is a miracle. All children are
miracles and gifts from God. Raise your children to know God and teach
them how to discover His purpose for them.
I
want you too to learn your purpose in life and to live life with and
through the Holy Spirit, so that you will have hope when it seems there
is none, joy and peace in your heart always, and the courage to do
life with God daily.
I
became determined to be happy even if it was only for a few months or
years. I was not going to die miserable. I remembered my promise in my
hospital bed to God to do His will. I knew that the direction for my
life would be determined by God but I didn't know which direction He
would take me. I was so afraid that the direction that I wanted to go
would not be the same as His plan for my life. My life was still "all
about ME." But with each day that I was given to live, my faith grew.
My life gradually became "all about HIM."
I
let God start to mold me into the person He created me to be. What I
have received in return is more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control - the Fruits of the
Spirit (Galatians 5:22-26).
So
I chose to go to God for answers to avoid my own spiritual and
physical death. I opened my heart and soul to Him so He could work in
my life. I let Him touch me. I let Him drive my life. I let Him show me
what I could do for Him. My life stopped being all about me and became
all about Him. With God's help, I made life-giving choices.
Had
I ended my life in my 20's, there would have been no story to share.
Had I ended my daughter's life prematurely, there would have been a
regretful and sorrowful story to write. As it is today, I am leaving a
legacy through my daughter, Erin, and sharing our story. I am learning
what it means to take up my cross and follow Jesus. In this life there
is suffering and even as Christians we can't avoid it. But, we can walk
hand-in-hand with Jesus and triumph over it through Him.
My
own experiences with God have given me a special view of how much God
values each and every life. I have learned how precious my life is to
God and how I live it as a Christ-follower is a reflection of Him. He
impressed upon my heart His desires and gifted our family with my
precious daughter.
Elaine
conducts Wellness Workshops to help others live life to the fullest
spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically according to God's
design. To connect with Elaine click here
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